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Krakadil
11-08-2005, 09:53 PM
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al" were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid
asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"



Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter". When the waiter came
by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"



The waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll go ask the cook". He returned
from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, "No sir, no Mexican Jews."



Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"



The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringo's", gave the expected
answer.



"I will check again Senor" and went back to the kitchen.



While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there
are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."



The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook says, No Mexican
Jews!"



"Are you certain?", Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no
Mexican Jews!"



"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter,



"We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews but no one
ever hear of Mexican Jews

Krakadil
11-08-2005, 09:54 PM
Two elderly gentlemen in their 80's were sitting on the jetty, fishing

"Do you remember when we were on active service in W W II?"

"Sure do"

"Remember they used to give us some stuff in our tea to supress our
sexual urges?"

"Yes. It was bromide. Why so you ask?"

"I think it's beginning to work"

Krakadil
11-08-2005, 09:56 PM
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day
discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says,
"Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies,
"We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks
gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says,
"But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on, until the Greek comes up with
what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That may be true,
but it was Italians who introduced it to women!"

Krakadil
11-08-2005, 09:58 PM
In the late 1930s,Moishe Rabinowitz fled his native land of Germany, sold
all his assets, and converted all of it to gold. He then had 5 sets of solid
gold false teeth made.

Arriving in New York, the customs official questioned him as to why anybody
would have 5 sets of gold teeth.

So Moishe explained, "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes, one
for meat products and one for dairy products. But since I am kosher, I have
separate sets of teeth for each."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two
sets. How about the other three?"

Moisha then said "Vell, being a very religious Jew, I use separate dishes
for Passover, so I also have separate teeth for meat and dairy"

The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You really are a very
religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise
for Passover. But that accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the
fifth?"

"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

Krakadil
11-16-2005, 09:01 PM
One day, two rabbis - one Reformed and the other Orthodox -
were discussing their respective congregations.

The Reformed rabbi asked the Orthodox leader,
"Why don't you let
the men and women of your congregation sit together,
as they do in my temple?"

The Orthodox rabbi - known for his sense of humor - replied,
"If you want to know the truth,
I don't really mind them sitting together at all. but, you see,
my sermons aren't that interesting
and I just can't have them sleeping together"

Krakadil
11-16-2005, 09:09 PM
- Абрам, как жизнь?
- Плохо.
- ???????
- Моя жена спит с лордом Лестером.
- Да уж, плохо.
- Правда, я сплю с женой лорда.
- Так это ж хорошо!
- Хорошо?!? У меня от него уже двое детей!
- Да, плохо...
- Правда, и у его жены от меня двое детей.
- Но тогда вы квиты?
- Какое "квиты"? Я-то ему делаю лордов, а он мне делает евреев.


Местечковый раввин предлагает зажиточным евреям жертвовать на ремонт синагоги:
- Смотрите, как выглядит дом молитвы: стекла разбиты, пол исцарапан, вокруг грязь - настоящий бардак...
Голос из зала:
- Вот именно...
- Что вы хотите этим сказать, господин Кон?!
- Да нет, ничего. Просто я вспомнил, где оставил калоши.

Krakadil
01-18-2006, 11:02 PM
> A Jewish couple won twenty-million pounds on the lottery. They immediately
> set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in
> Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth
> imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler.
>
> They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very
> British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival,
> they
> instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were
> inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some
> shopping.
>
> When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the
> butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the
> table
> for four.
>
> The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the
> Blintzes and the Knishes."

Krakadil
01-20-2006, 10:05 PM
As the El Al plane landed at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the
captain announced:

"Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until this plane is
at a complete stand-still and the seat belt signs have been turned off.
We also wish to remind you that using cell phones on board this
aircraft is strictly prohibited."

"To those who are seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope that
you enjoy your stay. To those of you standing in the aisles and talking
on your cell phones, we wish you a Happy Chanukah, and welcome back
home."

Рижанка
01-20-2006, 10:50 PM
- Моня, сколько будет семью восем ?
- А мы покупаем или просаем ?



Жена спрашивает мужа :
- Моня, кто такая Юлия ? Ты во сне повторял это имя.
- А , это кобыла, на которую я ставил.
- Понятно. Иди к телефону, эта кобыла звонит.


Жена провожает мужа в санаторий.
- Моня, прошу тебя, не трать деньги на то, что дома можно иметь бесплатно.


Одесский ювелирный магазин в день 8 марта.
- Я хотел бы купить подарок к празднику.
- Вам для жены или подороже ?


Муж с женой выходят из шикарного магазина.
- Фима, ты знаешь, почему я плакала ?
- Знаю, но таких денег у меня нет.

Krakadil
01-21-2006, 11:34 AM
Встречаются два старых еврея.

- Ты знаешь, вчера я познакомился с
телеграфисткой, мы с ней пошли в
ресторан, потом я пригласил ее к себе
домой, и у нас все было, причем три
раза. Ты, что, мне не веришь?

- Почему же, верю. Верю, что вы пошли в
ресторан, верю, что были у тебя
дома, верю, что было три раза.

Но вот тому, что она была
телеграфисткой - не верю.

- Да, почему?!

- Потому что, когда у тебя последний раз
стоял, еще телеграфа не изобрели!!

Krakadil
01-23-2006, 09:05 PM
Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful
Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent a declaration
throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a
CHIEF. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding
position;

1. a Japanese Samurai
2. a Chinese Samurai
3. a Jewish Samurai (You snicker!? It is, apparently, possible!)

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he
should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and
out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped
dead on the ground.

The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come
in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened
a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the
fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate
why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match
box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was
still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that
gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill.

Mikhail-u
02-11-2006, 03:04 AM
Going to the front desk of New York's exclusive Pierre Hotel, Mr. Mendelbaum requested some stationery.

The clerk asked, "Are you a guest at the hotel?"

Mr. Mandelbaum snapped resentfully, "No, I am not a guest. I am paying $300 a day!"


A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

Krakadil
02-16-2006, 10:08 PM
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks,
"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe
we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot.
And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he
loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow his ass away."

Mikhail-u
02-17-2006, 01:40 PM
Golfing Story (Thank you Avromy Wolpin)

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews. The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."

The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match."

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Holiness," said the golfer.

Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods

Mikhail-u
02-17-2006, 01:54 PM
[In Philadelphia the following sign was in the window of a business: "We would rather do business with 1000 terrorists than with a single Jew." Ordinarily this might be cause to get the anti-Hate groups involved but perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors, Goldstein's Funeral Home, simply make their statement.]

Кракадил, а где предыдущий юмор? Там есть кое-что, что хотелось бы иметь под рукой.

Krakadil
02-17-2006, 08:30 PM
Кракадил, а где предыдущий юмор? Там есть кое-что, что хотелось бы иметь под рукой.
Михаил, о чем вы? Не улавливаю. Что-то пропало? Скажите что.
Я сюда помещаю, что приходит мне на емаил, может есть в архиве.



According to the Jewish calendar, the year is 5766.
According to the Chinese calendar, the year is 4702.

This means that the Jews went without Chinese food
for 1,064 years.
This period was known as the Dark Ages.
________

Moshe, an up-and-coming actor,
had an operation at
a local clinic to 'straighten' his nose.

Five days later, as the surgical cast from Moshe's nose
was being removed,
his surgeon looks at the results
and says, "Ah, a thing of beauty and a goy forever."

Mikhail-u
02-18-2006, 04:33 AM
[QUOTE=Krakadil]Михаил, о чем вы? Не улавливаю. Что-то пропало? Скажите что.
Я сюда помещаю, что приходит мне на емаил, может есть в архиве.


Я лично помещал сюда, в частности, анекдот "про Саррочку" (на русском - то же что и Вы на английском про Мелиссу), кое-что другое. Кто мог это стереть?

Krakadil
02-24-2006, 09:56 PM
A judge is ready to go through the day's business and he under a great
deal of pressure.

The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a yarmulke,
long beard and payes.

The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: "Quick...get
me a translator."

The translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his name is,
how old is he and where he comes from."

The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt
bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"

The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with
a British accent: "Your Honour, my name is Sir Chaim Ginsburg. I shall
be 82 next Thursday and I've come from England where I hold the Chair
of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University."

The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim
Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yuh alt, und ehr is, mit sach
Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford."

Krakadil
02-26-2006, 10:00 AM
Мама, опять ты здесь!?
Сколько раз я просил не приходить в операционную, когда я делаю операцию. Я же велел вахтерам тебя не пускать. Новенький попался? Это мне повезло.
Почему на тебе халат нашего главврача? Ты его одолжила, пока он был в туалете? Какой бульончик?
Мама, неужели нельзя подождать, а? у меня сложнейшая операция.
Мама, эту штучку, в которую ты тычешь пальцем, вырезать нельзя, это сердце.
Еврейское? Не знаю, а какая разница? Мама, для меня все все пациенты одинаковы. Я давал клятву Гиппократа. Зачем тебе его отчество? Нет, он не еврей. По-моему, грек. Или римлянин. Хорошо, хорошо, пусть будет еврей, только уйдите, ради Бога. Да, он сказал что ко всем пациентам надо относиться одинаково. И к пациенткам.
Я не знаю, замужем ! ли она. Нет, лица я не видел, а что? Жениться? Мама, но почему именно сейчас? Какая девочка? Это старшая операционная сестра. Нет, она не еврейка, а какая разница? Я не собираюсь на ней жениться, с чего ты взяла? Мама, не надо так махать руками, ты заденешь аппаратуру. И вообще - убери руки из брюшной полости оперируемого. И Ради Бога, не надо мне расссказывать, как делать операцию на сердечном клапане. Ты таки старший бухгалтер, но это немножко не по твоей части. Я не могу сейчас смотреть фотографии тети Рахель из Чикаго.
Кто крутится под ногами без дела? Это анестезиолог. Нет, он не еврей. Похож на дядю Зюню? Мама, успокойся, это кашерный мясной скальпель, я им сыр не режу. Нет, мама, извини. Мне для родной мамочки ничего не жалко,! но скальпель я тебе не дам. Хорошо, я попью бульончик, но дай обещание, что сразу после этого ты уйдешь.
Что ты делаешь? Ты жаркое тоже принесла? И компот? Но почему в операционной? Здесь чище? Мама, давай чуть попозже, а? Больной , конечно, не убежит, но... Руки? Конечно мыл, перед операцией. Да, утром я кушал. То, что ты оставила. И рыбу. И косточкой не подавился. И уши вымыл. И шею. Я сейчас не могу показать, у меня руки заняты.
Что значит «Отрежь что нибудь для Тузика»? Я знаю, что наш Тузик - чистокровный еврей, но с собаками в операционную нельзя! Мама, направь прожектор на брюшную полость. Спасибо. Дай зажим. Скальпель. Еще зажим. Теперь ...
Что ты делаешь? Откуда ты знаешь, как это делается?!
Много раз смотрела, как я делаю? Мама, закончи шов, мне надо в туалет. Мама, что то я неважно себя чувствую, следующего больного ты будешь оперировать сама.
Вы знаете, чем отличается еврейская мама от тайфуна?
Тайфун скоро пройдет, а еврейские мамы – это надолго. Дай им Бог здоровья.

Krakadil
02-26-2006, 11:04 AM
Еврейская жена - самая красивая.
А если нет - наверняка, самая умная.
А если нет - наверняка, самая больная.



Алло! Это база?
- Да! Начальник базы Иванов слушает!
- Ой! Это что, военная база?!



Выступая с обращением к избирателям в Иерихоне, глава ООП Махмуд Аббас (Абу Мазен) пообещал, что "будет идти дорогой Ясера Арафата". Французский госпиталь уже заявил о готовности принять высокого гостя.



Скажите, рабби, а в шабат с парашютом прыгать можно?
- Прыгать можно, парашют открывать нельзя



Оперный театр. Дают "Евгения Онегина". В одном из первых рядов сидит старый еврей с женой. Через некоторое время он засыпает.
Его расталкивает жена:
- Пока ты тут спишь, Ленский Онегину послал вызов.
- И что, он едет?



Сарочка Рабинович пришла домой и обнаружила, что ее квартиру ограбили. Она сразу же позвонила в милицию, и вскоре прибыла милицейская машина. Из нее вылез мент с собакой на поводке. Увидев это, Сарочка вышла во двор, схватилась руками за голову и заорала:
- Ну ви посмотрите! Меня обокрали! И шо они сделали?! Они прислали мне слепого милиционера!!!



Фараон и евреи: евреи таки остались.
Вавилон и евреи: снова остались.
Рим и евреи: и снова остались.
Инквизиция и евреи: опять остались.
Фашизм и евреи: остались.
Коммунизм и евреи: остались...
Ой-вей, мы-таки, кажется, выходим в полуфинал!



- Ваш Абраша вчера изнасиловал нашу Розочку!
- Вчера?! В субботу?!




- Жора, вчера я видел, что у дома, где живет ваша теща, стоял катафалк. Вас что, можно поздравить?
- Ой, о чем вы! В этом доме триста квартир, это такая лотерея!..

Krakadil
03-02-2006, 08:39 PM
As a result of an earthquake an elderly jewish married couple were
buried in a cellar.
A rescue command of the Red Cross rakes out the ruins to release them.
Only a wall separates them.
A rescuer knocks with the hammer against the wall to give a signal to
the buried.
- Who is there? - there one hears from the cellar.
- The Red Cross.
- For the Red Cross we have already given.

Mikhail-u
03-02-2006, 11:35 PM
In a slalom race, the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in the fastest time. Well, it happened that a very Orthodox yeshiva in Montreal had an exceptional skier among its students. So fast, that in practice, with tzitzis streaming out behind, he had beaten the world record several times.

After first checking to make sure none of the men's slalom races would be on the Sabbath, he tried out for and made the Canadian Winter Olympic team. With his times in the trial heats, he was the favorite for an Olympic gold medal.

Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The
French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds, the Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, the Italian in 38.1 seconds. Then came the turn of the Canadian yeshiva "bocher." The crowd waited, and waited........

Finally, after a full five minutes, he crossed the finish line.

"What happened to you?" screamed his coach when the skier finally arrived.

Breathing hard, the exhausted yeshiva student replied, "All right, who's the wise guy who put a mezuzah on every gate?"

Mikhail-u
03-10-2006, 07:40 AM
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.


Morris, the old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. So I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.


The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated the sum of $1.60.


Then my wife's uncle Bernie died and left us two million dollars."

Rodent
03-13-2006, 04:44 AM
Приходит еврейская девушка к раввину и говорит:
- Ребе, Исаак пригласил меня на танцы. Можно мне с ним пойти?
- Не-ет, - отвечает раввин, - Тора танцы запрещает!
- А погулять? Можно мне с ним пойти погулять?
- Отчего же, - говорит раввин, - погулять можно, Тора это разрешает!
- А если на прогулке Исаак захочет меня поцеловать? Можно это?
- Можно, соглашается раввин, Тора это разрешает!
- А если от поцелуя он меня так захочет, что овладеет мною? – спрашивает девушка и краснеет.
-И это можно, - отвечает раввин, - Тора это разрешает.
Девушка еще больше краснеет и продолжает:
- А если он станет овладевать мною и лежа, и сидя, и стоя…
- Что-о-о? – в ужасе кричит раввин. – Стоя?! Стоя – это уже танцы, а Тора танцы запрещает!

Krakadil
03-13-2006, 07:31 PM
Старый еврей с большими сумками идет по вокзалу в Германии. Останавливается перед сидящим немцем и спрашивает:
- Извините, как вы относитесь к евреем?
- О, я очень уважаю еврейскую культуру и люблю еврейский народ!
Старый еврей идет дальше, спрашивает другого немца:
- Скажите, а вы любите евреев?
- О да! Я поражаюсь их уму и талантливости!
Старый еврей идет дальше, спрашивает третьего немца:
- А вам нравятся евреи?
- Что? Да я их просто ненавижу!!!
- Я вижу, вы честный человек! Последите, пожалуйста, за моим багажом, а я в туалет схожу.

Krakadil
03-16-2006, 10:03 PM
Rabinovich meets with Goldberg in the street.
- Hi! It's ages since we met! How are you?
- Now I am very busy.
- Busy? But I `ve heard you are retired.
- I` ve been writing the memoirs.
- Write the memoirs? Remarkable!
And, by the way, have you already till the moment when you
500 dollars have borrowed from me?

Mikhail-u
03-16-2006, 10:09 PM
Izzy is walking down Wall Street with his friend, Jacob, when he suddenly says, "Did you know that I am a walking economy?"
Jacob answers, "What do you mean by that?"
"Well, it's like this, Jacob," Izzy answers. "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

Krakadil
03-21-2006, 09:29 PM
A Jewish kid informs his father that he's decided to join the army
rather than go into business.

His father inquires, "What kind of job could you have in the army?"

The young man replies, "Well, I start out as a private, but I could get
to corporal or sergeant."

"Corporal...sergeant...." the father says, "that's no business."

"I could become a lieutenant or maybe captain," the young man
responded.

"Lieutenant...captain....that's no business!" father said.

"OK dad", he replied. "How about getting promoted to major, or colonel,
or general?"

"Still no business," the father insisted. "Where could you go after
general?"

The son answered, "I could become field marshal."

The old man says, "Field marshal... that's no business. Marshall
Fields, now that's a business."

Krakadil
03-22-2006, 08:14 PM
- Исаак Соломонович, закройте окно, на
улице холодно
- А вы думаете, что если я его закрою на
улице станет теплее?

Mikhail-u
03-31-2006, 02:31 AM
А это хабадный раввин поместил на нашем колледжном вебсайте:

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply, "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot."
"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh really! What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the terrible hairdo?"

Krakadil
04-01-2006, 08:26 PM
My friend Stan was thrilled he could take his 87-year-old mother
to finally see "Fiddler on the Roof,"
especially since she came from one of the countless Anatevka-like
Russian shtetls so many decades ago.

He spared no expense: best seats, limo, the works.

After the show Stan eagerly asked: "So Mom,
what did you think?
Did it bring back any memories?"

His mother thought for a moment and then, giving the classic
Jewish mother shrug and nod, said:
"Yes. But I don't remember that much singing."

Krakadil
04-07-2006, 10:01 PM
You May Be Jewish
(Note: Just pretend this list is being read by Jeff Foxworthy's Jewish
cousin Chaim)

If you have 15 friends named Rachel, you know you're Jewish

If you use a fork to gesture at family members while talking and
eating, chances are good that you are Jewish

When people ask "What does your mother make for dinner?" and your
answer is "reservations," this is an indication that you are one of the
chosen people

If you use guilt as a condiment with more frequency than Grey Poupon,
there is a very strong possibility that you may quite possibly be of
the Jewish persuasion

If you despise the Germans on principle, but still own a BMW or
Mercedes Benz, you are a Jew, American Style

Check your fridge - if you have a jar of gefilte fish lying around
"Just in case," then you may be, in fact, of Hebraic decent.

When your holidays aren't known by people from Dayton, Ohio, 10-1 says
your ancestors spent a good deal of time wandering the desert

If you're late for your own son's Bar Mitzvah, it is time to come to
terms with your Jewishness

When you find yourself walking out of the room when someone begins
telling a joke from a joke book, this is a classic warning sign that
you indeed are a Jew

If you lose 154-28 in a game of one-on-one basketball, (fill in the
blank ...) Jewish.

After you leave a glass of wine for a prophet who may or may not show
up, then you should consider yourself as one of the Chosen People

If you have big tits but still annoy the fuck out of guys, let's face
it - you're Jewish.

If you think your trip to Israel was the best vacation you've ever
taken, this is a red flag for a Hebrew.

When someone describes you as being "very New York", you may not be
aware of this, but this should give you an indication that you are a
Jew

If you own an Allan Sherman album, you are mathematically eliminated
from being a Gentile

If you call your mother every day, then honey, you are certainly a
Jewish American Princess

If you live in Miami, and are neither Latino nor Dave Barry, you bet
your gelt that you're Jewish

After your car stops on a dime, and you get out to pick up the dime,
rest assured that you may be a Member of the Tribe

If you pray to one God for hepatitis to hit the CNN and BBC staff
cafeterias, the news is that you, in fact, may likely be a Hebrew

When Confirmation comes after your driver's license, this is a telltale
sign of Judaism in your genes

When you go to a Phish concert with 10 people who all make at least
$40,000/year, you mustn't rule out the possibility that you are a Jew

If you thought "The Chosen" was a better book than movie, man you're
Jewish!

Looking back, if you went to a Billy Joel concert in high school, you
know you're Jewish.

If your looks or voice reminds someone of 45 other people, you should
be aware that chances are good that you are indeed a Jew

When a glazed ham makes you laugh, let's just assume that you are of
Hebraic origin

If you refer to a blowjob as 'Getting a little keppie,' Ed McMahon
should send you an envelope with the inscription: "You may already be
Jewish"

Whenever there are just 3 of you in a room, and there are 8 opinions
... it's unanimous - you are a Jew

If you think that "Tante" was the Lone Ranger's aunt, then Goy you
ain't

When you think your suffering is so much better than everyone else's
suffering, then it shouldn't take Columbo to figure out your connection
to the Hassidic traditions

If you did not marry within the faith to avoid the same mistakes that
dad made, you are most likely a Jew American male

If you think a celebration of any sort without food present is "just
plain wrong," then chances are high that there is somebody named
"Rifka" in your family

When you answer every question with a question (we do?), then there is
a fair-to-middling chance that you are a Jew.

If you personally killed Christ ... prognosis: Jewish

If your mother has a safety mat in the birdbath, there is a very good
chance that you are Jewish

Mikhail-u
04-18-2006, 01:21 PM
A Little Passover Humor

Shmulik, a religious Jew as well as a financial genius, left Brooklyn for a job as CFO of a well known brokerage firm in Utah (which is known as the Mormon state).

The pressure on the company president from the directors was immense: "We can't have a Jew running the business - we're religious Mormons here," they said.

The president took Shmulik aside for a talk and explained unequivocally that he would have to convert if he wanted to hold on to his honorable (not to mention 6-figure-earning) position. Shmulik had no choice. However difficult it might be to convert, it was less difficult than losing this great job. He went home and told his wife, "It's simple. From this Sunday on we'll be going to church with the kids".

So passed a good few months, but his wife wouldn't stop nagging him, saying, "It's so difficult for me, I miss Sabbath, lighting candles, kiddush, festivals...you know money isn't everything, Shmulik"

The more she nagged him, the more Shmulik's conscience bothered him too. Finally, he'd had enough. He went back to the president of the company and said "Listen, I can't go on like this, my guilt is eating me up inside. Money isn't everything. I can't even sleep at night, and neither can my wife. It's too much for me - I was born a Jew, and I want to die a Jew. If you want me to quit, I'll leave without making a fuss."

The president looked at him in amazement and said "Listen Samuel, [that's what they called him in Utah], I had no idea it was so tough for you. I figured changing religions would be a simple thing. You've been a great asset to the company. We need you here. Stay Jewish as you wish. Don't worry, I'll take care of the rest".

Shmulik went home with a thrill in his heart and a spring in his step. He ran to his wife (who was on the couch watching Ricki Lake) and said "Tzipporah, you won't believe it, a miracle happened! We're going back to being Jews, and it's OK! I talked to my boss and he's letting me keep my job!"

Tzippy (that's what they called her in Brooklyn) looked at him with eyes spitting fire and said "Tell me, ARE YOU NUTS!!!!!

Shmuel looked at her in shock. But...but I thought that was what you wanted all along, what you were crying to me about day and night. What? You don't want to go back to being Jewish?"

Tzippy looked even more upset and said "Of course I do - BUT NOW?!?!?! TWO WEEKS BEFORE PESACH?!?!?!?"

Mikhail-u
04-28-2006, 01:33 AM
A policeman spots two youngsters riding a motorcycle.

They are unmistakably Hassidic: yarmulke, payoth, tzitzis, the works.

He is unmistakably a bigot, so he follows them intending to catch them doing some kind of wrong.

After a long ride during which they went onto the highway and then onto many side roads, he could find nothing wrong with their driving.

Frustrated, he stops them anyway.

"I have been following you two for a long time now, watching every move you made and hoping to catch you breaking the law, but you two seem to be perfect. How do you do it?"

They replied, "G-d is with us."

"That's it!" exclaimed the policeman, "There are three on this motorcycle!



A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their
town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them
individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting
there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman
repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his
older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG
trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did
it!"


Bernie took his wife Sadie to see a psychiatrist for a check up.

After examining her, the doctor took Bernie to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your wife. Her mind has completely gone."

"I'm not really surprised," Bernie replied, "Sadie's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years."

Mikhail-u
05-05-2006, 12:00 AM
This is an old one.
A man in Paris saw a pit bull attacking a toddler. He killed the pit bull and saved the child's life. Reporters swarmed the fellow to cover the story.... "Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline will be: 'Paris Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'" The guy says, "But I'm not from Paris."
Reporters: "That's OK. Then the whole of France will love you and tomorrow's headline will read: 'French Hero Saves
Girl from Vicious Dog"! The guy says, "I'm not from France, either." Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's headlines will shout: 'Europe's Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'" The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either."
Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?" The guy says, "I'm from Israel."
Reporters: "OK... Then tomorrow's headlines will proclaim to the world: "Jew Kills Girl's Dog"! Now you understand media......

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Abe's son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!" "Oy Vey!" said Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $10."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The sheriff's office in Alamance County, North Carolina, tried everything to stop people from using fake IDs to get a driver's license, but to no avail. According to the Greensboro, North Carolina, News & Record, one industrious sheriff's deputy got fed up and concocted an ingenious plan, never before tried. He marched into the DMV waiting room and asked that everyone "with false IDs please step forward." Six did.

Krakadil
05-08-2006, 07:45 PM
* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all
night! I finally had to let her out.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever
finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night,
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it
the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.

* I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still
confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,
so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how
do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought
here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish
fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the
one that's working!"

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work
he's out of.

Krakadil
05-08-2006, 07:48 PM
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,
he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at
a card-table with neckties laid out on it.


The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"



The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."


The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"


"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a
tie, or that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me.
If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a
lovely restaurant.


Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"


The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.


Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was
sitting at his table.


The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not
find it?


"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in
without a tie!"

Mikhail-u
05-19-2006, 02:53 PM
Only in Chelm"

Schmulik from Chelm visited another town. A local man asked him: "How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?" Schmulik replied, "Oh, about five..." The local guy replied, "No, you're wrong! You can only eat one. After that you stomach's not empty any more!!" Schmulik returned to Chelm and asked Moysheh, "How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?" Moysheh answered, "Two." Schmulik told him, "Too bad. If you had said, 'five', I would have had a great joke for you!"




OWNER to a house hunter: "Yes, the kitchen is a bit small, but with a mortgage like this you won't do much cooking anyway."

Mikhail-u
05-26-2006, 12:40 PM
A woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her Rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the Rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hymie called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They got on either end of the couch and struggled until they were exhausted, but thecouch wouldn't budge.

"Forget it," Hymie finally gasped. "We'll never get this in."

A frustrated voice came from the other side of the couch: "In?"

Krakadil
05-30-2006, 08:43 PM
Does your mother call you in a panic whenever there is
a storm warning for your area?

Does she act as though it is her duty to alert you to
every health story on the news?

Have you ever been briefly out of touch with your
mother only to find that she's phoned everyone short
of the National Guard to track you down?

Then you can probably relate to Amy's Answering
Machine by Amy Borkowsky. These are two of the actual
messages left by Amy's mom - and they are hysterical.

"Amila? I hope you're on your way home. I just heard
on the weather, there's a big storm headed for New
York and they're expecting 4-6 inches in the city,
with accumulations of up to a foot in the outlying
areas. So if I were you, I wouldn't go shlepping to
any outlying areas. On the weather map, all over New
York, they had snowflakes the size of bagels. So if
you have to go out, make sure you bundle up. And wrap
a scarf around your face to protect it, 'cause you
know, there was that man who climbed Mt. Everest and
lost his entire nose. Okay, honey? I love you. Bye."


"Hello Amila. I guess you must be out shopping. I
meant to mention something when you were here, but
since I didn't get a chance, I figured I'd just leave
it on your machine. I don't know if you're aware of
it, but when I was taking the pictures and you smiled,
I noticed that one of your eyes - I think it was the
left one - was staying partially shut, like about a
fifth to maybe a third of the way. It looked sort of
like a person who's all liquored up trying to wink.
You may wanna ask an ophthalmologist about it. And in
the meantime, just try and be aware of it, cause
someone could interpret the wink as body language for
an invitation to shtup. Okay, I'll talk to you soon.
Bye-bye."

Krakadil
05-31-2006, 07:34 PM
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street in New York
City one day, wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he
passed a pet store and heard a squawky voice shouting out in Yiddish:
"Quawwwwk...vus macht du?... (How are you doin'?) Yeah, du (you) ...
outside, standing like a putzel...eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The proprietor
sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here,
fella, and check out this parrot." Meyer stood in front of an African Grey
parrot that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
("What, can you read Yiddish?") Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner.
"He speaks Yiddish?" "Vuh den? (What else?) Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the
counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he
talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's
adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she
was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the
garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They
shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he
hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while saying his
prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer
explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and had a miniature
set of tfillin hand-made for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven
(pray) and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew, so Meyer
spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah.
In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.
He had been saved.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah (New Year), Meyer rose and got dressed and was
about to leave for the Shul (Temple) when the parrot demanded to go with
him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird but the parrot
made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by
everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into
the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let him in
this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (odds were even
given) that the parrot could NOT daven, could NOT speak Yiddish or Hebrew,
etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services.
The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song were chanted.
Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping
at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" ...... Nothing.
"Daven ... parrot, you can daven, so daven ... come on, everybody's looking
at you!" ...... Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his
Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home,
pissed off, saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the Temple, the
bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.
Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four
thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning
prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged
me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah. Why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur."

Krakadil
06-01-2006, 08:28 PM
> > A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
> > served as chaplains to the students of Northern
> > Michigan University in Marquette.
> >
> > They would get together two or three times a week
> > for coffee and to talk shop.
> >
> > One day, someone made the comment that preaching
> > to people isn't really all that hard. A real
> > challenge would be to preach to a bear.
> >
> > One thing led to another and they decided to do an
> > experiment They would all go out into the woods,
> > find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert
> > it.
> >
> > Seven days later, they're all together to discuss
> > the experience.
> >
> > Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
> > crutches, and has various bandages, goes first."
> > Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a
> > bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him
> > from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing
> > to do with me and began to slap me around. So I
> > quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and,
> > Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle a
> > lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him
> > first communion and confirmation."
> >
> > Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a
> > wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. In
> > his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "
> > WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I
> > went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to
> > read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear
> > wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him
> > and we began to wrestle. We wrestled DOWN one hill,
> > UP another and DOWN another until we came to a
> > creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
> > soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
> > a lamb. We spent the rest of the time praising
> > Jesus."
> >
> > They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying
> > in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and
> > traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of
> > him. He was in bad, bad shape.
> >
> > The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it,
> > circumcision may not have been the best way to start
> > things out with my bear."

Krakadil
06-02-2006, 07:46 PM
Speaking of religious bears, did you hear about the frum yid taking a
walk in the deep woods of Maine?

As he was walking along, he stumbled and his kipah fell off. He bent
over to pick it up. As he stood up he noticed a bear standing right in
front of him.

The guy is just shocked. He quickly put the kipah back on his head and,
believing his end near, began reciting the Shema.

The bear saw the kippah and heard the prayer--and lo and behold! -- the

bear put a kipah on his head too! Then the bear began to pray.

Seeing the bear davening, the poor yid breathed a small sigh of relief
and
began to bentch gomel.

He finished just in time to hear part of the bear's prayer --
...hamotzi
lekhem min ha-aretz.*

(*the blessing that is said before meals)

Mikhail-u
06-09-2006, 01:38 PM
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?

A: "Is anything OK?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America.

In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her. "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

Says Mom proudly, "Her brother's a doctor."

Krakadil
06-09-2006, 10:34 PM
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway
reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to
be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange
phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.

"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab
newspaper?"

Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but
what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being
attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and
intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the
Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks,
Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews
rule the world. The news is so much better!"

Mikhail-u
06-17-2006, 01:32 AM
At the funeral service for a rich Jewish banker, one of the mourners is beating his breast and wailing with much more passion than the others. The Rabbi, much concerned, taps him on the shoulder.
"I am sorry for you, no doubt you are one of the deceased's close relations?"
"No! No!," sobbed the man.
"That's why I'm crying!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Yetta was talking to her friend Sheila, who had just moved to a house near her in a local suburb. "Why don't you join our local synagogue, Sheila?" asked Yetta.

"Why should I?" replied Sheila.

"So that your children will know they're Jewish," said Yetta.

"But they already know they're Jewish," said Sheila. "They have enormous guilt complexes."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with
me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Russian Jew fell off the river bank into the water. Since he could not swim, he was in danger of drowning. Two Tsarist policemen heard cries for help and rushed to the river bank. But when they saw that it was a Jew, they laughed at him and began to walk off. "Help, I can't swim," shouted the Jew. "Then drown," one replied. Suddenly the Jew shouts with his last breath: "Down with the Tsar!" The policemen immediately rushed into the water, pulled the Jew on to the bank, and arrested him for sedition.

Krakadil
06-22-2006, 09:07 PM
How Moses got the 10 commandments

God went to a group of Arab leaders and said, "I have some
Commandments for you that would make your lives better.

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Okay. Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill?

We're not interested."



So He went to a group of African leaders and said,
"I have some Commandments for you."

The Africans wanted an example, and the Lord said,

"Honour thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."



Then He visited a group of Mexican leaders, and said,
"I have some Commandments for you."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said

"Right: Thou shall not steal."

"Not steal? Not interested."



Then God went to a group of French leaders, and said,
"I have some Commandments for you."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,

"Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We are not interested."



Finally, He went to a group of Jewish leaders and said,
"I have some Commandments for you."

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

Mikhail-u
06-23-2006, 12:43 AM
Moshe & the Pope (thanx to Sophia Z)
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had
to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish
community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people, to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much, as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite
each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and
showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one
finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a
wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The
Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers
to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger
to remind me that there was still one God common to both our
religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing
that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the
wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an
apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything.
What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three
days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.
Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let
him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, and
I took out mine."

Krakadil
07-02-2006, 05:53 AM
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards

Under same management for over 5763 years.

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

Shul committees should be made up of three members,
two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University:
"The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty.
They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Krakadil
07-04-2006, 08:14 PM
There are Lawyers who are good guys and I know all three of them.


THINGS I KNOW THAT I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.
But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida

Krakadil
07-05-2006, 09:47 PM
And Some Jewish Humor

It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
"Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?," Moshe asked.
"Yes, or no," she replied.
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital.
A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?"
Gevarter replies, "I make a nice living...."
A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."
At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have
written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter.
Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy."
The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy."
The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?"

Mikhail-u
07-07-2006, 03:22 PM
A young stranger in New York was seeking Yeshiva University but the many directions he had received only confused him and he became lost. Luckily, he saw a learned old man approaching him with a load of books under his arm. He stopped the professorial man. "Tell me, sir, how do I get to Yeshiva University?" The old man thought about the question for a moment or two and then replied, "Study, young man. Constant study!"

Baghera
07-07-2006, 03:26 PM
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.

"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

Krakadil
07-09-2006, 10:20 PM
One night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical
plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around. When the
volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in
the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000
to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire
departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could save the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came
into sight. It was the nearby hasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire
company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65. To
everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past
all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the
inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the hasidic old timers jumped
off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the hasidic old timers had extinguished the fire
and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to
thank each of the brave fire fighters personally.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film,
asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Moishe Goldberg, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da foist ting
ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"




Мой сосед, старенький бруклинский еврей говорит точно так.

Mikhail-u
07-13-2006, 08:45 PM
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten, or will eat. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"

Krakadil
07-14-2006, 08:33 PM
A young Rabbi, fresh out of a Brooklyn Yeshiva,
thought it would help him better understand
the fear and temptations his future congregations faced,
if he first took a job
as a policeman for several months.

He passed the physical examination;
then came the oral exam
to test his ability to act quickly and wisely
in an emergency.

Among other questions he was asked,
"What would you do to disperse an angry crowd?"

He thought for a moment and then said seriously ,
"I would take up a collection."

Krakadil
07-16-2006, 08:39 AM
Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot
baths at the Geisha House.

The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have some unpleasant news for you.
Your wife is dishonoring you."

Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information.

"Your wife is dishonoring you, and she is doing it with a foreigner of the
Jewish Faith."

Shocked, Hirokosan decides to go home and confront his wife. He faces her
and says.
"I am told that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish
Faith."

She replied, "That is a lie. Where did you hear such dreck and meshugass?"

Krakadil
07-17-2006, 09:47 PM
Hello, is this the Goldberg residence? Yes, mit whom do you vish to speak?
Mrs Goldberg please.
Mrs Goyeldberg is shoppink in deh supermarket.
Is Mr Goldberg there?
Dis time of de day? Mishter Goyeldberg is voikink
Is Thelma at home?
In de school is Telma, very clever vun, pu pu pu.
How about Harry, is he there?
Herry, in colletch is Herry. He should be a dokter, kaynahoreh.
I see, is this Mrs Goldberg's mother?
No, poor Bubbi Goyeldberg is ollivasholom.
So, may I ask who I am talking to?
Dis is Daisy, de schvartze.

Mikhail-u
07-21-2006, 01:51 AM
Moishe and Bernie were in court and standing before the judge.
"Why can't this case be settled out of court?" the judge asked.
Moishe looked up at the judge and said, "That's what we were trying to do, your honour, when the police interfered."

Krakadil
07-25-2006, 07:23 PM
-Шмуля, ви знаете, кто Мао Цзе Дун по национальности?
-Да не может быть!
-Я Вам говорю!

Rodent
07-28-2006, 07:08 AM
В одесской школе учительница задает вопрос классу:
– Дети, кто знает, что было в 1799 году? Кто знает? Как вам не стыдно такого не знать. В 1799 году родился великий русский поэт Александр Сергеевич Пушкин! Дети, а кто знает, что было в 1812 году?
Встает Изя и отвечает:
– Мне кажется, в 1812 году у Александра Сергеевича была бармицва…

Sixteen
07-28-2006, 09:01 AM
Hello, is this the Goldberg residence? Yes, mit whom do you vish to speak?
Mrs Goldberg please.
Mrs Goyeldberg is shoppink in deh supermarket.
Is Mr Goldberg there?
Dis time of de day? Mishter Goyeldberg is voikink
Is Thelma at home?
In de school is Telma, very clever vun, pu pu pu.
How about Harry, is he there?
Herry, in colletch is Herry. He should be a dokter, kaynahoreh.
I see, is this Mrs Goldberg's mother?
No, poor Bubbi Goyeldberg is ollivasholom.
So, may I ask who I am talking to?
Dis is Daisy, de schvartze.

перевидите для безграматнава Ката, что означает шварце?

Rodent
07-28-2006, 09:02 AM
перевидите для безграматнава Ката, что означает шварце?
Черный/ая

Sixteen
07-28-2006, 09:17 AM
Черный/ая
хи хи хиииии. фамилия шварценеггер стала в два раза смешнее.

Mikhail-u
07-28-2006, 02:43 PM
Having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was a bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Feeling better now?

Krakadil
07-30-2006, 06:16 PM
The Texan was bragging. "I get in my Ford pickup and can drive for an hour
and a half before I reach the other side of my ranch." The kibbutznik
nodded. "We had a truck like that but thank God we got a new one."

Mikhail-u
08-04-2006, 12:58 PM
ONLY IN ISRAEL.......

Our friend Micki, an Israeli married to an American computer fellow, was
watching the Israeli news yesterday. Her mouth popped wide open when she saw their son Ari, an IDF officer, with his men ready to cross into
Lebanon. Ari was easy to spot with his bright red hair.

Micki grabbed her phone and called Ari's cellphone. He answered.
Mother Micki shouted, "ARI! PUT ON YOUR HELMET!!!"

* * *

Dear Dad Univer$ity life i$ really great and I’m beginning to enjoy it. Even though I’m making lot$ of new friend$, I $till find time to $tudy very hard. I already have $ome $tuff and I $imply can't think of anything el$e I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a $imple card a$ I would love to hear from you. Love Your $on Moi$he

His father replies: - Dear Moishe I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are probably NOt eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. But do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and one can never study eNOugh. Love your father, ArNOld

Mikhail-u
08-18-2006, 12:47 PM
A young Rabbi was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost; and being a typical man he did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late and saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.

The Rabbi poured out his heart and soul. He closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to his car. He felt he had done his duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness.

As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like this before . . . and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Mikhail-u
08-24-2006, 10:17 PM
WORLD WAR THREE? (Thanx Ishay G.)
At the US War College, a General is a guest lecturer and tells the
class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,
"Will we have to fight in a World War Three, Sir?"
"Yes, gentlemen, it looks like you will," answers the General.
"And who will be our enemy, General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class is attentive, and finally one officer asks, "But General,
we are 296 million people and they are 1.3 billion. How can we
possibly win?"
"Well," replies the General, "Think about it. In modern war, it is
not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in
the Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 50 million
Arabs, and the Jews have been victorious every time."
"But sir," asks the officer, "Do we have enough Jews?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ..... "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?

марик - камарик
08-30-2006, 06:49 AM
Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells
him,
"George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole
beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks. Mahmud replies, "ALLAH
IS GOD, GOD IS ALLAH."

Bush says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called. Last
night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more
beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What could you see on the banners?" Mahmud asks.

Bush replies, "I don't know, I can't read Hebrew."

Mikhail-u
09-02-2006, 11:42 AM
From a college rabbi:

CNN Breaking News
The Boston Globe

August 30, 2006

Roxbury MA (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Boston courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning hat domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Boston Red Sox, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

-------------------

The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello," answers the principal.
"Hi. Jimmy Smith won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.
"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"
"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal.
"May I ask who is calling?"
"Sure. This is my father!"

Outdoorsman
09-14-2006, 09:09 PM
http://vrad.eggsetc.com/humor/helping_hands.wmv

Outdoorsman
09-21-2006, 07:06 AM
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard
about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to
pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall"....

Mikhail-u
10-20-2006, 12:46 AM
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Mel Gibson. They're asking for a $310 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse him with gasoline and set him on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon!"

Mikhail-u
10-25-2006, 11:29 PM
Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and they
became successful doctors, and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.
They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their
elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar
theater built in the house.
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver
her an SL600 with a chauffeur.
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama
loved reading the Torah and you know she can't
anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that
can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis
12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple,
but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the
chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote:
(1) Milton Bubelle, The house you built is so huge.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house. Thanks anyway.
(2) Marvin Main Shene Kinde, I am too old to travel.
I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so
I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired
is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.
(3) Menachim Tataleh, You give me an expensive
theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people,
but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and
I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for
the gesture just the same.
(4) Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have
the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious. Thank you, Mama

Mikhail-u
11-09-2006, 02:36 PM
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade....."

Mikhail-u
11-22-2006, 07:59 PM
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to
ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like
Heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. "I'll take care of this."


She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT
getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "They're
coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Mikhail-u
12-01-2006, 11:14 AM
Looks like I've already heard it.

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our likely enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir, " asks the panicky officer, "do we have enough Jews?

Пума
12-01-2006, 05:10 PM
Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and they
became successful doctors, and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.
They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their
elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar
theater built in the house.
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver
her an SL600 with a chauffeur.
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama
loved reading the Torah and you know she can't
anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that
can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis
12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple,
but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the
chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote:
(1) Milton Bubelle, The house you built is so huge.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house. Thanks anyway.
(2) Marvin Main Shene Kinde, I am too old to travel.
I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so
I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired
is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.
(3) Menachim Tataleh, You give me an expensive
theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people,
but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and
I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for
the gesture just the same.
(4) Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have
the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious. Thank you, Mama
Очень грустный анекдот.

Mikhail-u
12-01-2006, 07:09 PM
Очень грустный анекдот.
Про избалованную, но неграмотную мамашу? По-моему там есть более грустные анекдоты - про родителей, обделённых вниманием детей, например.

Дядя_Федор
12-01-2006, 07:10 PM
Про избалованную, но неграмотную мамашу? По-моему там есть более грустные анекдоты - про родителей, обделённых вниманием детей, например.
Нет, просто птичку жалко.

Пума
12-01-2006, 09:39 PM
Про избалованную, но неграмотную мамашу? По-моему там есть более грустные анекдоты - про родителей, обделённых вниманием детей, например.
По-моему, это как раз про мать, дети которой просто откупаются от неё. Я бы не сказала, что мать избалованная или неграмотная. Ей просто не нужны дорогие подарки, ей нужно внимание её детей. Во всяком случае, я так этот анекдот понимаю.

Mikhail-u
12-02-2006, 01:13 AM
По-моему, это как раз про мать, дети которой просто откупаются от неё. Я бы не сказала, что мать избалованная или неграмотная. Ей просто не нужны дорогие подарки, ей нужно внимание её детей. Во всяком случае, я так этот анекдот понимаю.

Это потому, что дети сыновья, т.е. мужики. Значит виноваты;)

Пума
12-02-2006, 08:44 AM
Это потому, что дети сыновья, т.е. мужики. Значит виноваты;)
Ну это уже не мой вывод :D

Mikhail-u
12-07-2006, 05:37 PM
The Jewish Indians

There was this family of Schmohawk Indians sitting around the shtetl one
night. The papa, Geronowitz; the mama, Pocayenta; and the beautiful
young daughter, Minihorwitz.

"So, nu," says the daughter, "You'll never believe."

"What?" says the mama.

Today, at high noon, I was proposed to in marriage."

"Yes?" says the mama, "so what did you say?"

"I said Yes."

"You said Yes?"

"I said Yes."

"That's wonderful," says the mama. "She said Yes! Did you hear that
Geronowitz, Minihorwitz is getting married!"

"I heard," says the papa, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?"

"Sittin' Bagel."

"Sittin' Bagel?" says the mama, "of the SoSiouxMe tribe?"

"That's the one," says Minihorowitz.

"Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them! How can we
feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?"

"We'll think of something," says Geronowitz.

"Geronowitz! Get me abuffalo!" says the mama.

"What, at this hour?"

"No, Geronowitz, for the wedding! I can make buffalo tzimmes from the
meat, and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo!"

So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day goes by, and a night and
Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and another night, and still
no sign of him. Another day and half the night, and Geronowitz comes
home - Exhausted. Staggering. And empty-handed..

Geronowitz! I've been worried sick. Where have you been? And where's my
buffalo?!"

"It's like this," he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high, and I
hunted low, and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo, he made
Mickey Rooney look strong. It was a tiny, scrawny little buffalo, with
no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes, and barely enough hide for a
rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day.

"The second day, I looked high, and I looked low, from this way and that
way, and I fially found a buffalo. He was a big buffalo, with lots of
meat, and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest
buffalo I ever saw in my life. 'This', I thought to myself, 'is not the
buffalo for MY daughter's wedding. So again, I settled in for the night
to try again the next day.

"The third day, I got up early, and I looked high and I looked low, from
this way and that way, going up hills und down hills, suddenly, there it
was! A magnificent buffalo. It was a big buffalo. It was, as buffalos
go, a beautiful buffalo. It was, if I say so myself, the perfect
buffalo. This, I says to myself, is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for
Minihorowitz's wedding.

"So I reach into! my backpack quietly for my tomahawk and, as I tiptoe
over to the buffalo, I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck,
when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it."

"See what?" says Pocayenta.

***************************
"I've brought the dairy tomahawk!"

Mikhail-u
12-09-2006, 01:15 AM
ACTUAL PERSONAL ADS FROM ISRAELI NEWSPAPERS
> >
> > Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday
> > morning. Would like to take you out Saturday
> > night Please write. POB 81
> >
> > Couch potato latke, in search of the right
> > applesauce Let's try it for eight days.
> > Who knows? POB 43.
> >
> > Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul
> > with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays,
> > build Sukkah together, attend brisses,bar
> > mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658
> >
> > Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or
> > can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you
> > show me yours. POB 72
> >
> > Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur,
> > Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah,
> > Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks
> > companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.
> >
> > Yeshiva bochur, Torah s! cholar, long beard, payos.
> > Seeks same in woman. POB 43.
> >
> > Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write POB 74.
> >
> > Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage.No personality. POB
76
> >
> > Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar,
> > exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.POB 56.
> >
> > Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath
> > candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles,
> > Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker POB 787.
> >
> > Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in
> > my behind. Looking for American-born woman
> > who speaks English very good. POB 555.
> >
> > I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open
> > your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts
> > and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your
insecurities.
> No fatties, please. POB 86.
> >
> > Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,
> > independent, self-made. Looking for
> > girl whose father will hire me. POB 22

Mikhail-u
12-14-2006, 03:33 PM
"The trip to Israel"


Rabbi Rabinovitz is going on holiday to Israel. He arrives at Heathrow Airport and goes to have his luggage checked in. "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" asks the girl at the check-in desk. Rabbi Rabinovitz replies, "Listen, if it was without my knowledge, how should I know?"

Mikhail-u
12-21-2006, 01:56 PM
A woman goes to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denominations?"

"Oh my G-d," the woman says. "Has it come to this? Give me 35 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 3 Reform."

Mikhail-u
12-29-2006, 01:36 PM
Yankel had been an active member of the Union for over 40 years.

When his Union hears the sad news of his passing, they choose Brother Peter Smith to represent them at the funeral.

After the funeral, the Union's President calls Brother Peter Smith for a report on how the funeral went.

"Well," says Peter, "sometimes I think Jews can be as crazy as the rest of us. When I got to the funeral, this little old man with a beard came up to me and asked if I was a brother. When I said I was, he took out a knife and started cutting up my suit."

Mikhail-u
01-04-2007, 08:57 PM
President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?"

The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression, 'Vus titzuch?'"
The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?

"Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression
which roughly translates to 'what's happening'. They just ask each other and they know everything."

The President decides to go undercover to determine if this is true.
He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat), and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.
Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?


The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn."

---------------------------------------------------------------

Moshe and Avram went to a fish restaurant. They ordered one lunch and 2
plates to share it. The waiter brought 1 large fish and one small fish.
"Avram, you choose first", said Moshe
"No, please you choose."
"OK, I will take". Moshe took a big piece and put it on his plate
Avram, looked upset and said, "I figured You would take a big one"
"And which would you take?"
"The small one"
"Nu, so what is the problem?"

Leon93
01-05-2007, 03:24 AM
Не, ну как это друдно если один из родителей еврей, а другой хохол..
И отрезать жалко, и надкусить больно..

смешно
01-05-2007, 09:55 AM
O my God! Really funny, all. :grum:

Krakadil
01-24-2007, 09:15 PM
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love
and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going
to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to
marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women
into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says,"Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Mom. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

Mikhail-u
01-26-2007, 06:26 PM
Leah had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Yet Harvey, her husband, had stayed by her bedside every single day. One day, when Leah came to, she motioned for Harvey to come nearer.

As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...
When I got fired from my secretary's job, you were there to support me.
When my first hairdressing business failed, you were there.
When I got knocked down by a car, you were by my side.
When we lost our dear Jonathan, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?"

"What dear?" Harvey gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you bring me bad luck."


A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded,"You're right!"

Mikhail-u
01-26-2007, 06:27 PM
О мы Год! Реаллы фунны, алл. :грум:

Even Leon?;)

Krakadil
01-31-2007, 09:52 PM
Московский троллейбус, поздний октябрь, погода примерно как сейчас.
Два случайных попутчика.

Один говорит: Что за погода, блин!

Второй: Гольфстрим виноват.

- Еврей? - Да нет, течение.

- Масонское?

- Атлантическое.

- Из Израиля?

- Да вроде из Штатов.

- А, там их тоже 50 процентов.
Сидят, небось, на солнышке греются, а мы тут мокнем.

- Да там сейчас ночь.



- Слушай, ты откуда всё знаешь? Еврей, что ли?

Krakadil
02-02-2007, 06:42 PM
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.

3. No meal is complete without leftovers.

4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only
in Chinese restaurants.

5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and
white shoes for pinochle.

7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's.

9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.

11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice
cruise?

12. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.

14. WASPs leave and never say goodbye; Jews say goodbye and never leave.

15. Always whisper the names of diseases.

16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.

18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can
afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner
at 4:00 PM in Florida.

abc
02-02-2007, 11:14 PM
Вы слишком долго прожили в Израиле, если...
- услышав требование "одеться поприличней", со вздохом натягиваете
носки.
- усвоили, что неделя начинается в воскресенье, день вечером, а год -
где-то в сентябре, причем каждый раз другого числа.
- согласны, что мужчина может иметь столько любовниц, сколько в
состоянии содержать и что удивительно - ваша жена думает так же.
- расстались с последней совковой иллюзией - что в России самые красивые
девушки.
- уже не пытаетесь лезть в драку, когда вам в лицо что-то отчаянно орут -
скорее всего, вас просто спрашивают, как дела.
- считаете, что купаться в море при температуре воды ниже 30 по Цельсию -
безумие.
- если хотите спросить дорогу по-русски, уверенно обращаетесь к
ближайшему дворнику и между делом интересуетесь, какой институт он окончил.
- возмущены действиями телефонной компании, которая присылает мастера
установить дополнительную линию только через шесть дней после заказа.
- знаете, что "Едиот Ахранот" не ругательство, а название газеты.
- не находите ничего странного в том, чтобы в 2 ночи зайти в ресторан
перекусить.
- усвоили, что детям можно ВСЕ. В смысле - вообще ВСЕ и тем не менее, глубокой ночью повстречав веселую толпу тинэйджеров, не переходите на другую сторону улицы, а если они попросили у вас закурить, твердо знаете, что им действительно просто хочется сигарету.
- если в автобус заходит солдат, начинаете чувствовать себя в большей
безопасности.
- перестали удивляться, что среди евреев полно негров, а сами вы
неожиданно превратились в русского.

Krakadil
02-07-2007, 09:44 PM
Вылавливает еврей на берегу моря золотую рыбку, та у него спрашивает:
- Еврей?
Мужик отвечает:
- Ага.
Рыбка:
- Лучше зажарь...

Leon93
02-08-2007, 12:43 PM
Сидят еврей и русский. По радио объявляют, что началась война.
> - Сколько проблем - говорит еврей, - надо хозяйство распродать, деньги
> перевести в швейцарский банк, семью отправлять в Вашингтон, самому
> перебираться на Карибы.
> Русский: - Да, что ты плачешь у тебя проблемы? У меня проблемы !
> Еврей: - Да какие у тебя проблемы? Взял винтовку, и на фронт".

Mikhail-u
02-08-2007, 11:41 PM
Tim dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

-------------------------------------------------------------

Old Mrs. Cohen sidled up to a guest at one of her daughter's social evenings. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said diffidently, "Doctor, may I ask a question?" "Certainly," he said. "Lately," said Mrs. Cohen, "I have been having a funny pain right here under the heart--" The guest interrupted uncomfotably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Mrs. Cohen, but the truth is, I'm a doctor of philosophy." "Oh," said Mrs. Cohen, "I'm sorry!" She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back. "Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of disease is philosophy?"

Krakadil
02-11-2007, 09:34 PM
Депутат Рабинович из-за жары снял в кнессете пиджак.
- Кто Вам разрешил?
- Английская королева... Когда я был депутатом Британского парламента и пробовал снять пиджак при королеве, она подозвала меня и сказала:
- Рабинович, пиджак Вы будете снимать в Вашем парламенте.


В чем отличие светской, ортодоксальной и реформистской еврейской свадьбы?
- На светской свадьбе невеста беременная.
- На ортодоксальной свадьбе мать невесты беременная.
- На реформистской свадьбе раббанит беременная.


- Рабинович, говорят, что Вы большой интриган.
- Да, а кто это ценит?

В ресторане еврей спрашивает официанта:
- Скажите пожалуйста, у Вас есть в меню дикая утка?
- Нет, но для Вас мы можем разозлить домашнюю.

- Скажите, Вы случайно не сын старика Рабиновича?
- Да, сын, но что "случайно", я слышу впервые.

Одна женщина пришла на работу с подбитым глазом. Ее спрашивают:
- Кто это Вас так?
- Мой Абрам.
- А мы думали, что он в командировке.
- Я тоже думала.


Додик - Изе:
- Рабинович просит у меня денег. Не знаю, стоит ли ему давать.
- Обязательно дай.
- Почему "обязательно"?
- Иначе он у меня попросит.


Оперный театр. Дают "Евгения Онегина". В одном из первых рядов
сидит старый еврей с женой. Через некоторое время он засыпает.
Его расталкивает жена:
- Пока ты тут спишь, Ленский Онегину послал вызов.
- И что, он едет?


Умер старый еврей. Вскрыли его завешание, читают:
"Дочке моей, Сарpочке, оставляю 100 тысяч долларов и дом.
Внучке моей, Ривочке, оставляю 200 тысяч долларов и дачу.
Зятю моему, Шмулику, который просил упомянуть его в завещании,
упоминаю: Привет тебе, Шмулик!.."

Приходит девушка к раввину.
- Ребе, двое мужчин одновременно просят моей руки. Но вот проблема, один из них - вор, а другой - насильник. Кого посоветуете выбрать?
Раввин говорит, что для правильного ответа он должен посоветоваться с Богом, уединиться, помолиться и т.д. Подожди, дескать. И уходит в другую комнату. С кухни заходит жена раввина и шепотом говорит:
- Я не знаю, что Вам насоветует мой ученый муж, но что до меня, так пусть меня лучше два раза изнасилуют, чем один раз обворуют.

Беседуют два приятеля -- раввин и пастор.
- Скажите, ребе, только честно, вот вы ведь когда-нибудь все-таки ели свинину?
- Сказать вам честно, как духовное лицо - духовному лицу?
- Да, ответьте честно.
- Ну что ж, когда я был молод и глуп, я однажды съел кусок свинины.
- И как, ведь нормальная еда, ребе?
- Да, ничего страшного. Но скажите мне, патер, только честно, как духовное
лицо - духовному лицу: вы когда-нибудь спали с девушкой?
- Откровенность за откровенность - когда я был молод и невоздержан, я однажды переспал с девушкой.
- Ну и как? Признайтесь, пастор, это лучше, чем свинина...


-- Знаете, на еврейской свадьбе жених по обычаю не может поцеловать невесту.
- Почему?!
- Потому что рядом с женихом сидит его мама и все время твердит ему:
"Кушай! Кушай! Кушай!"


Умирает старый еврей. Жить осталось считанные минуты, и вдруг он почуял запах с кухни. Подзывает он своего внука и говорит:
- Ицик, пойди на кухню и посмотри: по-моему, баба Циля готовит фаршированную рыбу...Проходит сколько-то времени, внук возвращается и говорит:
- Да, ты прав, но бабушка сказала, что это на потом...


-Моня, какой все-таки грех, что у нашей Софочки ребенок родился до свадьбы...
- Так что здесь такого? Откуда он мог знать, когда свадьба?


Умирает 104-летний еврей. К нему приходит его 108- летний друг и спрашивает
-Ну как ты себя чувствуешь, Абрам?
-Плохо, Изя, очень плохо. Наверное, скоро увижу Бога!
-Ну, если Он там будет спрашивать "Как там Изя", ты меня не видел, ничего обо мне не знаешь.


Рабинович зашел в кошерный ресторан в Нью-Йорке. Его обслуживает официант-китаец, прекрасно говорящий на идиш.
- Скажи мне, - спрашивает Рабинович хозяина ресторана, - как ты нашел официанта-китайца, говорящего на идиш?
- Шшша... - Оглядывается хозяин, - он думает, шо это английский...

Krakadil
02-14-2007, 04:58 PM
A new Jewish Superhero:
SUPERRABBI - "... Faster than a speeding bagel!"

http://www.superrabbi.com

Mikhail-u
02-16-2007, 01:51 AM
"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. Things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home. Please Mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful. Come get me, please."

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama, he used words like dust, wash, iron, cook."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

Mikhail-u
02-22-2007, 10:55 PM
A Montana cowboy is overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's how many animals I have alright. Well, I guess you can take one of the young 'uns," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a congressman with the U.S. government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the young man. "But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. . . this is a herd of sheep. . . .
Now give me back my dog."

Krakadil
02-23-2007, 09:28 PM
In the Chinese calendar, it is now the year 4704. In the Jewish
calendar, it is 5767. That means that, for over a thousand years, Jews
had

(A) to do their own laundry
(B) nothing to eat on Sunday night
(C) the highest SAT scores

Mikhail-u
03-08-2007, 10:06 PM
The local Shnorrer (collector) rings the doorbell of the banker at 6:00 a.m., wakes him up and says it's an emergency.

The banker hurries to the door to find the Shnorrer asking for a donation.

He yells at him and says, "How dare you wake me up at this time!"

The Shnorrer says "Mr. banker, listen to me, I don't tell you when to begin working in the morning so don't tell me when I should begin working in the morning"

Mikhail-u
03-15-2007, 11:11 PM
Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.

"Give me the box of matches" says one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens."

He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms, blurting out, "...No, no, don't!"

The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? But he takes another match.

And now, a crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!"

"It looks serious. What are they afraid of? But - we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars".

He strikes a match, which flames up, burns down, and ... nothing happens.

"Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?"

The leader of the Martians says,

"Today is Shabbos!"

Mikhail-u
03-24-2007, 03:28 PM
The bank manager noticed the new clerk was an idiot at counting money and adding up figures.

"Where did you get your finance education?" he asked.

"Yale," replied the lad.

"And what's your name?" barked the manager.

"Yim Yohnston," he replied.

Mikhail-u
04-01-2007, 06:46 PM
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Krakadil
04-06-2007, 09:41 PM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark,
saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light
back on
and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo
out so
he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is
watching
you."

Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for
the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot."Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are,
anyway?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses!" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a
parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird promptly answered, "The same kind of people who would name a
Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

Mikhail-u
04-20-2007, 10:36 AM
Morris the shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door to the right, and erected a huge sign which read "BEST DEALS".

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his left side, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading "LOWEST PRICES".

Morris was panicked, until he got a terrific idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... "MAIN ENTRANCE."

Mikhail-u
04-27-2007, 05:18 PM
"You must try once"
Sam had just picked up his wife Becky and their new baby from hospital and brought them home. It was not long before Becky suggested that Sam should try his hand at changing a diaper. "I'm busy," he said. "I promise I'll do the next one." The next time soon came around so Becky asked him again. Sam looked at Becky and said, innocently, "I didn't mean the next diaper, I meant the next baby."

Mikhail-u
05-03-2007, 09:38 AM
Chaim was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Chabad every Saturday for the rest of me life and give up gambling!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Chaim looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Krakadil
05-07-2007, 10:04 PM
"Hello ... You have reached the office of the Board of Rabbis.
If you are Orthodox, press 1.
If you are Conservative, press 1 or 2.
If you are Reform, press any button you like.
If you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons.
Please hold while I transfer your call .

(1) Hello. You have reached the Orthodox rabbi.
The answer to your question is that it is forbidden by the Torah.

(2) Hello. You have reached the Conservative rabbi.
The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is
acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us. We
hope this has been helpful.

(3) Hello. You have reached the Reform rabbi.
The answer to your question is: if you want to, sure, why not? Who are we to
say?

(4) Hello. You have reached the Reconstructionst rabbi.&nb sp;
The answer to your question presumes there is an answer to your question.
However, my role is to empower you to answer your own question.
To answer your own question, please hang up now.

Mikhail-u
05-11-2007, 05:42 PM
Two hunters from Mississippi got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only four moose.


The two good old boys object strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."



Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.


Unfortunately, even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.



Climbing out of the wreck Bubba asked Earl, "Any idea where we are?"



"Yaaah, I think we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Krakadil
05-17-2007, 10:34 PM
Sid Feinman had been dead for five years and Shirley, his widow, decided to
have a memorial gathering in his memory. Max Goldman, her second husband,
reluctantly agreed and the gathering was held. When everyone had arrived,
Shirley stood up and said, "We are here to remember Sid. You may recall how,
when I first met him, he was a dealer in fabric remnants. No class. But I
convinced him to become a manufacturer and put my kid brother the genius in
charge of sales. The bastards who had been his customers somehow had a
grudge against my brother, and Sid had tough competition. I persuaded Sid to
go into the nightclub business, because my older brother was a fabulous
musician. Some bastards ratted to the cops and my brother was sent to jail
on a ridiculous drug charge. The cops closed the club and Sid became a
salesman for an auto agency."

She continued, "Thanks to my connections, Sid began using his customer list
to sell used cars for my cousin, Herbie. When Herbie was convicted of
selling hot cars, he implicated Sid. Sid was sentenced to 20 years and
Herbie got a suspended sentence for cooperating. Before Sid could go to
jail, he had a heart attack and died. And while I don't like to talk badly
about the dead, he didn't leave me well off, financially. And because my
darling second husband is such a schnook at business, we have had to live
off of the money I put away while Sid was alive."

She turned toward her second husband, who had been sitting there with his
mouth open in amazement. "Don't think I regret marrying Max. Some nights he
can give me five or six orgasms. But not always, although I have told him to
see a doctor or do something so that he can at least satisfy me in the
bedroom."

The room was silent. Nobody knew what to say, until Max spoke.

"Sid Feinman's life was a tragedy. Sid Feinman didn't die. Sid Feinman
escaped.."

Mikhail-u
05-17-2007, 10:51 PM
Moshe worked in a men's clothes shop in. One day, his boss Avrahom returned from lunch and noticed Moshe's hand was bandaged.

Before he could ask what happened, Moshe told him that he had some good news to report, "I finally sold that ridiculous suit we've had in stock for such a long time."

"Do you mean that repulsive bright orange-and-blue double-breasted thing?" said Avrahom."

"That's the one!" said Moshe.

"Mazel tov," Avrahom shouted, "I really thought we'd never get rid it - it had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had. But tell me, Moshe, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Simple," Moshe replied, "as soon as I sold the suit to the gentleman, his guide dog bit me."

Krakadil
05-23-2007, 08:15 PM
THE ROWING TEAM

Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they
lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours
everyday, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.

Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy
on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Morris schlepps off to
Cambridge and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River , where he
carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practices.

After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. "Well, I figured out their
secret," he announces.

"What? Tell us! Tell us!", his teammates shout.

"We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row."

Krakadil
05-23-2007, 08:16 PM
===========================================

THE FLIGHT

It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al. "Would you like dinner?" the
flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" Moishe asked

"Yes or no," she replied.

========================================

AT THE SHUL

A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper
from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck".

At the next Friday night service, the rabbi announced, "I have known
many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but
this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... And
forgot to write a letter."

========================================

Krakadil
05-23-2007, 08:17 PM
PHILANTHROPY

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the
acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent
auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."

"Never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check," replied the guide.

======================================

WORDS

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women
use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife his long-held
contention that women in general, and his wife in particular, talked too
much, he showed her the study results, which stated: "Men use about
15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."

His wife thought awhile, then finally she said to her husband, "That's
because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said, "What?"

Krakadil
05-23-2007, 08:17 PM
THE DIFFERENCES

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

марик - камарик
05-24-2007, 10:42 AM
может ли еврей вступить в Ку Клукс Клан? (http://www.filecabi.net/video/John_Safran_meets_the_KKK.html)

Mikhail-u
05-24-2007, 11:09 AM
Two Jews were sitting in a Tel Aviv cafe in the precarious days after Israel first had won its independence, and one said to the other, "I only see one way out."
"What's that?"
"Israel must declare war on the United States."
"What are you talking about? How could that possibly help us?"
"Well, we'd lose at once and the Americans would send an occupying force. They would form an alliance with a new pro-American government, guarantee our boundaries, flood us with American capital, establish our industries, and make us prosperous."
"Hmmmm! I see your point, but it won't work."
"Why not?"
"Because with Jewish luck, we'd win the war and spoil everything."

sharik
05-24-2007, 11:02 PM
может ли еврей вступить в Ку Клукс Клан? (http://www.filecabi.net/video/John_Safran_meets_the_KKK.html)
This is funny and sad at the same time

Who knows may be in a few years whole jews or half-blacks will be able to join (c)

R u a half-jew who wants to join KKK?
:grum:

Mikhail-u
05-25-2007, 09:47 AM
This is funny and sad at the same time

Who knows may be in a few years whole jews or half-blacks will be able to join (c)

R u a half-jew who wants to join KKK?
:grum:
Nothing funny, a lot of jews support "Palestinian cause" - pure Nazi project.

sharik
05-25-2007, 11:25 AM
Nothing funny, a lot of jews support "Palestinian cause" - pure Nazi project.
That wasn't the case, the guy on video wasn't nazi

Mikhail-u
06-03-2007, 12:40 PM
That wasn't the case, the guy on video wasn't nazi
So what? Shapiro and his ISM is.

Mikhail-u
06-07-2007, 02:13 PM
A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four year old tell the three year old, "If you pretend you're asleep he stops."

Mikhail-u
06-12-2007, 10:20 PM
A man arrives at Ben Gurion International Airport with two large bags.

A customs agent stops him, opens one bag and finds it full with money

in different currencies.

The agent asks the passenger: "How did you get this money?"
The man says: "You will not believe it, but I travelled all
over Europe and went into all the public restrooms that I could.
Each time I saw a man pee,I grabbed his organ and said, 'Donate money to Israel

or I will cut off your balls.'"

"Well...it's a very interesting story... What do you have in the other
bag?"

The man says: "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not
support Israel ..."

sharik
06-19-2007, 01:25 AM
От жажды погибая, босиком бредут в пустыне баба с мужиком.

Того гляди пробьет их смертный час, Как вдруг мужик находит ананас...
и женщине вручает ( пусть напьется)
А та, ему за это... отдается....
Но вот вопрос! Попробуй-ка пойми, Какой национальности они?....

Смогли ответить (вот такой конфуз)

Лишь англичанин, русский и француз.

Англичанин:
Одно я знаю точно - Who is man! - Английский несомненно джентльмен! Ведь только джентльмен в тяжелый час Мог женщине отдать свой ананас!

Француз:
О мужике судить я не берусь, Но женщина Француженка! Клянусь! Она и лишь она способна враз, Отдаться за паршивый ананас!

Русский:
Кто женщина не знаю, суть не в ней. Мужчина ж - стопроцентно был еврей! Ну кто еще, спросить позвольте вас, Найти в пустыне сможет ананас??!!!

Mikhail-u
06-28-2007, 01:25 AM
Mr & Mrs Goldberg had just got married. On their way to their honeymoon, Mr Goldberg said to his new wife "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
She replied, "Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune."

Mikhail-u
07-06-2007, 11:49 AM
What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?


*The Englishman*: Throws away the cup of coffee and walks away.

*The American*: Takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.

*The Chinese*: Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

*The Japanese*: Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra.

*The Israeli*: Sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the Chinese, and buys himself a new cup of coffee.
*The Palestinian*: Blames the Israeli for the violent act of putting the fly in his coffee; asks the UN for aid; takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee; uses the money to purchase
explosives, then blows up the coffee house, where: The Englishman, the American, The Chinese, and the Japanese are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he was too aggressive.

Mikhail-u
07-14-2007, 03:42 AM
A Chinese businessman operating out of south China suffers a string of
robberies. He calls up his associate in Israel and asks him if he ever
had a problem with robberies.

"Not really," replies the Israeli. "We have this thing we put on the
doorpost - called a mezuzah - and it protects our homes from harm."

"Send me one," begs the Chinese guy, "I'm desperate for a solution."
A few weeks later, the Israeli gets his mezuzah back in the mail. He
calls up his Chinese friend. "Nu," he asks him. "The mezuzah didn't
work? You were robbed again?"

"No, no," the Chinese guy assures him, "no robberies."
"So why did you send it back?"
The Chinese guy sighs. "I dunno," he says. "Ever since I hung it up,
the doorbell doesn't stop ringing. Each time a different dude standing
there, saying the same thing: 'Tzedoko!'"

sharik
07-17-2007, 11:04 AM
Навеяло темой про Бога:

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem.

He's late for a meeting. He's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says, "G-d, if you find me a parking spot I promise that I'll eat only kosher, I'll respect Shabbas and all the holidays."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one."

Mikhail-u
07-20-2007, 05:32 PM
One day, Benny the psychiatrist was on the subway coming home from work one day when he saw an elderly gentleman talking to himself and then laughing aloud. Every so often, the man would put up his hand, stop talking then start all over again. Benny had to find out more.
"Excuse me, I hope you don't mind me asking, but is there anything I can do to help?"
"Thank you but no. To keep me awake, I tell myself jokes when I'm traveling."
"But why do you keep raising your hand?" asked Benny.
"Oh, that's to stop me telling a joke I've heard before."

Mikhail-u
07-27-2007, 01:13 AM
For the first time in many years Sam went to the movies.


He then stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant his money, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."


"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We now have sound!"

Baghera
08-24-2007, 08:23 PM
Заявление от Рабиновича Якова Моисеевича: "Прошу направить меня на курсы повышения заработной платы"

* * *

- Рабинович, сколько денег вы положили в конверт молодоженам?
- А разве конверт уже ничего не стоит?

* * *

Рабинович в суде. Он застал свою жену с мужчиной в постели.
Судья спрашивает:
- Вы сказали, что неписаный закон оправдал бы вас
за убийство любовника жены и что вы наставили на него пистолет, но не выстрелили. Почему?
- Ну, гражданин судья, когда я наставил свой пистолет на него, он спросил: "Сколько ты хочешь за оружие?" Мог ли я убить человека, когда он говорит о бизнесе?

* * *

Стоит еврей несколько дней возле Стены Плача и молится.
- "Господи, помоги мне, дай денег, пожалуйста, машину, квартиру. Я беден, живу плохо. Помоги мне."... И так прошла неделя... "Господи, можно подумать, что я со стеной разговариваю!!!"

* * *

Сплетничают на Молдованке две еврейки:
- Сара, вы слышали новость? Рабинович повесился!!!
- Как, в третий раз?
- Ша, тихо!!! Вот он идет!!!

* * *

На одном из этажей одного дома на Брайтоне останавливается лифт.
- Боря, вы down?
- Сама идиотка!

* * *

Сосед - соседу еврею:
- Если вы будете целыми днями пиликать на скрипке, я запущу в ваше окно камнем!
- Ну и чего вы добьетесь? Тогда вы будете слышать меня еще лучше.

* * *

Еврей, доехав до дома на такси, выходит молча из машины и начинает шарить по карманам, а под нос бормочет: - Черт, кажется в машине сто баксов выронил...
Услышав это, таксист нажимает на газ и сматывается.

***
- Тетя Соня! Зачем ваш Яша ходит в музыкальную школу?! У него же нет никакого слуху!
- Дуpак! Яша ходит туда не слухать! Яша ходит туда игpать!

* * *

Рабинович проходит мимо здания на Лубянке. На двери КГБ табличка: "Посторонним вход запрещен!"
- Ха! Можно подумать, если б они написали "Добро пожаловать", я бы туда так и прыгнул!..

* * *

Начало двадцатого века. Старому еврею показывают, как пользоваться новинкой - телефоном.
- Вот эту штучку берете одной рукой и подносите ко рту. Вот эту штучку берете другой рукой и подносите к уху.
- Подождите, а таки как я буду разговаривать, если руки заняты?

* * *

- Сара Исааковна, вы еврейка?
- А с чего вы это взяли?
- Ну... ведь, Исаак - еврейское имя!?
- Вы что, хотите сказать, что Исакиевский собор - синагога?

* * *

Сема, сколько твоя мама должна заплатить за 2 килограмма яблок, если 1 кг стоит 2 рубля?
- Не могу сказать господин учитель, моя мама всегда торгуется.

* * *

Звонок в дверь. Хозяйка открывает, там стоит мальчик.
- Здравствуйте, тетя Циля? Изя дома?
- Он кушает. Ты, наверное, тоже хочешь кушать?
- Да
- Так сходи домой, покушай.

* * *

Угощенье по-одесски: Вам чай без какого варенья?

* * *

Толстая одесская еврейка решила угнать самолет.
Она протиснулась в кабину пилотов и закричала:
- В Тель-Авив! Или я разденусь!

* * *

- Кушайте, гости дорогие, кушайте... А если совсем совести нет, приходите и завтра.

* * *

- Абрамович, чем вы занимались до 17-го года?
- Сидел и дожидался.
- А после 17-го?
- Дождался и сел.

* * *

Звонок в квартиру:
- Мендель, у вас идет горячая вода?
Мендель открывает кран и пробует воду рукой.
- Да, идет, только она холодная.

* * *

- Ой, вы знаете, у Изи такое горе, такое горе!
- Какое горе?
- Он умер.

* * *

Рабинович - жене:
- Слушай, наш сосед, полковник, настоящий придурок.
- С чего ты взял?
- Я ему сообщил, что у меня сын родился, а он мне ответил:
- "Рад стараться!"

* * *

Рабинович с родственниками идут за гробом тещи.
Вдруг кто-то спрашивает:
- Рабинович! А почему у вас теща лежит в гробу на боку?
- Потому что на спине она храпит.

Mikhail-u
09-06-2007, 04:53 PM
Three men were sitting around bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a Catholic woman and bragged that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a Mormon woman. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, the house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Jewish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done and hot meals on the table, every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Krakadil
09-21-2007, 06:44 PM
> - Ребе, я согрешил, я отымел жену в зад. Это большой грех?

> - Большой! - говорит Ребе.

> - Как мне его искупить?

> - Только одно средство: берешь автомат, идешь на арабо-израильскую

> границу и убиваешь одного араба, - грех тут же списывается. На

> следующей неделе приходит снова этот еврей:

> - Ребе, я снова согрешил, я снова взял жену аналом.

> - Ну, а чего ты ко мне пришел? Иди на границу, убей араба - грех

> автоматически спишется. Прошло пару месяцев. Приходит к ребе жена того

> еврея и спрашивает:

> - Скажите мне, ребе, почему вы таки-решили урегулировать

> арабо-израильский конфликт через мою жо#у?

Mikhail-u
09-26-2007, 01:31 AM
"Locked Out"
As we have all done at some time, Moishe locks himself out of his car on a hot summer day. But he manages to find a wire coat hanger in a nearby dustbin and goes back to his car to try to open the lock. As soon as he shoves the wire through the slightly open window, his wife Sadie starts telling him what to do. "Moishe, move it more to the right, now more to the left, higher! Lower!" Finally, Sadie says, "What's taking you so long, Moishe?" Moishe replies, "Sadie, it's easy for you to say, sitting inside an air conditioned car!"

марик - камарик
10-06-2007, 06:06 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KP2Fp7vJD4E

Mikhail-u
10-12-2007, 03:13 PM
Jewish Humor
New Noah's Ark

.....and you think you have problems. Try Noah's.

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights". Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard .....but no ark. "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?" "Forgive me, Lord" begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark ..." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean,You're not going to destroy the world?"
"No" said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Mikhail-u
10-19-2007, 10:17 AM
Last night, a friend of mine and I were sitting in the living room and I said

to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

Mikhail-u
10-23-2007, 11:45 AM
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know, Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised that you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied: "Yea, in my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business."

Krakadil
11-14-2007, 09:09 PM
Very Old Jewish Man

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going
to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was
walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45
minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she
approached him for an interview.
'Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, What's your name?
'Maury Fishbein' he replied.
'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'
'For about 60 years.'
'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'
'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslim s. I pray for
all the Wars and hatred to stop, I pray for all our children to grow up
safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.'
'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'
'Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall!'

Mikhail-u
11-16-2007, 02:51 PM
A left-liberal woman is leaving her multimillion dollar mansion in Beverly Hills when a poor man approaches her and cries, "Oh ma'am, I haven't eaten in three days."

To which the woman responds: "I am so envious of you; I wish I had your will
power."

sharik
11-16-2007, 03:25 PM
Миш, тебе так понравилась шутка что ты и в [jewish humor] её запостал?

Буржуй
11-16-2007, 03:27 PM
Миш, тебе так понравилась шутка что ты и в [jewish humor] её запостал?ТАк выпьэм же это бокал вина за твоё здоровье и за мое очко.

Mikhail-u
11-16-2007, 04:00 PM
Миш, тебе так понравилась шутка что ты и в [jewish humor] её запостал?
Мне её прислал раввин из колледжа где учились Хиля и Олбрайтиха (и где Хиля пару недель назад конючила, что она одна в [boys' club].

Mikhail-u
11-23-2007, 05:46 PM
Disaster

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, nash was all over the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still in pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Mikhail-u
11-30-2007, 01:46 PM
One evening, as Ruth was tucking her son Sam into bed, a flash of lightening lit up the room and a loud clap of thunder soon followed. She hoped Sam wouldn't react to the storm and was about to turn off the light when Sam asked, in a frightened voice, "Mummy, can you sleep with me tonight?"
Ruth smiled and gave Sam a big comforting hug. "I can't bubbeleh," she said, "I have to sleep in daddy's room."

After a few seconds of silence, Sam said, in a shaky voice, "The big sissy."


Hope you find it more funny than myself.

Mikhail-u
12-07-2007, 09:02 PM
http://forum.russianamerica.com/f/attachment.php?attachmentid=14986&stc=1&d=1197082920

Mikhail-u
12-14-2007, 02:40 PM
In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. "Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a room for two weeks. "I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out. "What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room." "Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed." "Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic." "I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God? "Jesus, Son of Mary. "Where was he born? "In a stable." "And why was he born in a stable?" "Because a goy like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"

Mikhail-u
12-14-2007, 06:17 PM
Yankel listened to the Rebbe at shul one Shabboss morning and when the Rebbe asked those with special requests to come to him at Seuda Shlisheet/(3rd meal) , Yankel came.

When it was his turn, Yankel sat down and the Rebbe asked, "What do you want me to help you with?"

Yankel said, "Pray for my hearing, Rebbe."

The Rebbe put one hand over Yankel's ear and his other hand on top of his head and prayed a while.

Then he removed his hands and asked, "Yankel, how is your hearing now?"

Yankel answered, "I don't know, Rebbe.

It's next Wednesday at the courthouse!"

Mikhail-u
12-21-2007, 11:34 PM
Steven walks into Macys department store and goes straight to the perfume department.

He says to an assistant, "Today is my wife Sarah's birthday and I would like to buy her a nice bottle of French perfume."

The assistant says, "That will be a nice surprise for her."

Steven replies, "It sure will - she's expecting a diamond necklace."

Mikhail-u
12-26-2007, 02:25 PM
The Cohen family was on very good terms with their Roman Catholic neighbors, the O'Briens. In fact, little Yaakov Cohen and Christopher O'Briens from next door would play together from time to time. Or at least they used to.
Well, one late December's day, Duncan O'Briens, the non-Jewish father, came storming in to the Cohen's house holding poor Yaakov by the ear. 'Your son is not going near my Chris again; he just has no respect for us and our religion!'
'What's the matter; what did he do?' inquired Mr. Cohen.
'I'll tell you.' said Duncan in a rage. 'He saw our Christmas tree and started making fun.'
'Really, what did he say?' continued Mr. Cohen.
Duncan said, 'He saw our tree and started asking all sorts of ridiculous questions - which kinds of pine trees can be used for a Christmas tree? What's the minimum required height? How close to the window does it need to be? Do too many decorations render it unfit? What if it's under a neighbor's balcony?!'

Mikhail-u
01-03-2008, 09:37 PM
Harry is very upset indeed when he calls the police on his cell phone.

He cries, "Help me please. My car's been broken into. The thief has stolen the CD player, the steering wheel, the gearshift lever and the pedals. Oy vay, what will I do?"

The dispatcher says to her, "Stay calm, I'll ask a police officer to get to you as quickly as possible."

Ten minutes later, the police control center gets the following message from the police officer, "Please disregard the distress call. The fellow got in the back-seat of his car by mistake."

Krakadil
01-25-2008, 09:10 PM
> Старый еврей пришел к сексопатологу.
> - Доктор, почему, когда я занимаюсь сексом, в ушах раздается свист?
> - А сколько вам лет?
> - 69
> - Ну а что вы хотели услышать, аплодисменты?
>
>
> Встречаются два еврея.
> - Рабинович! Ваша дочка уже вышла замуж?
> -Таки нет!
> -А шо так?
> Ой! она слишком умная, чтобы выйти замуж за того идиёта, который
> захочет на ней жениться!
>
>
> В Одессе говорят:
> - Не можешь любить - сиди и дружи.
>
> В одесской маршрутке. Входит женщина и спрашивает водителя:
> "Водитель, Вы меня стоя возьмёте?" Водитель, не
> растерявшись: "Женщина! Я на работе!!!".
>
>
> - Жора, вчера я видел, что у дома, где живет ваша теща, стоял катафалк.
> Вас что, можно поздравить?
> - Ой, о чем вы! В этом доме триста квартир, это такая лотерея!..
>
>
>
> Рабинович, что будет, если из России вдруг исчезнет вся водка?
> - В природе ничего не исчезает бесследно. Если в России вдруг исчезнет
> водка, значит, где-то она появится. Вот там, где она появится, там и
будет
> Россия...
>
>
> Абрамчик приходит домой из еврейской школы и говорит маме:
> - Мама, у нас в школе ставят спектакль, и я получил в нeм роль!
> - Замечательно, сынок! И кого же ты будешь играть?
> - Еврейского мужа!
> - Сынок, иди назад в школу и потребуй, чтобы тебе дали роль со словами!
>
>
> Мама, а что такое пи?
> - Ну... Это из математики. Потом учить будешь. А где ты слышал?
> - Да стишок вот. И днем и ночью кот ученый все ходит, поц. И пи кругом.
>
>
> Встречаются двое.
> - Хаим, ты слышал, что люди говорят? Доллар-то,оказывается, падает.
> - Зяма! Да чтоб у тебя так все стояло, как он падает.
>
>
> - Я пережил одну войну, три автомобильные катастрофы, одну авиационную,
> два неудачных супружества и одно удачное, три описи имущества за долги
> и одно банкротство. А теперь приходит мой внук и заявляет:
> "Дедушка, ты ничего не понимаешь в жизни!"

Mikhail-u
01-30-2008, 02:21 AM
http://forum.russianamerica.com/f/attachment.php?attachmentid=16009&stc=1&d=1201681255

Mikhail-u
01-30-2008, 02:30 AM
The Jewish salesman Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80s and still gainfully employed as a ribbon salesman, had been trying unsuccessfully to sell ribbon to Macy's for many years. Last week, he made another attempt to speak with the anti-Semitic buyer.

'Goldstein,' the buyer said, 'you've been trying to sell me ribbon for at least 25 years. Now is your chance. Send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis.'

Three days later, four tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drove up to Macy's receiving dock. The ribbon buyer went ballistic. He called Goldstein and yelled,'What's going on??? I only ordered enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me four truck loads full of it!'

Goldstein calmly replied, 'The tip of my penis is in Poland.'

Krakadil
01-30-2008, 03:57 PM
The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first
> woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls

> up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, 'So, Mom, I
> assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'
>
> 'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as
> young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'
>
> 'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you
> up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
>
>
> 'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on
> earth would I wear?'
>
> 'Oh Mom' replies Susan, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful
> gown custom-made by the best designer in New York '
>
> 'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods
> you and your friends like to eat.'
>
> The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire
> affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York , kosher

> all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'
>
> So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan
> Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the
> front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator

> sitting next to her. 'You see that woman over there with her hand on
> the Torah, becoming President of the United States ?'
>
> The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'
>
> Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor.'

Krakadil
01-30-2008, 04:06 PM
Обращается в американскую авиакомпанию группа из 50 евреев - лететь на
Святую Землю. Ну, все нормально,оформляют - летят. Стюард думает: 50
евреев - это ж если каждый даст хоть по доллару на чай - пятьдесят долларов
будет. А если по 10 долларов (вроде богатые же)..." Ну, весь полет старался
как мог - водички, пледиком укрыть, и т. д. Кончился полет, стюард стоит у
выхода: благодарим, что воспользовались услугами нашей компании, ожидаем
вас в следующий раз.
Подходит один:
"Благодарим Вас, молодой человек, полет надолго запомнился нам..."
Подходит второй: "Ваша мать воспитала достойного сына - она может гордиться
Вами..."
И так 49 проходят, последним идет седой благообразный ребе:
"Молодой человек, нам было крайне приятно пообщаться с вами, Ваша мать
должна быть довольна таким сыном... Да, кстати, мы посовещались и решили
вручить вам чек на 5000 долларов."
И закричал стюард вслед уходящим евреям:
"Евреи! Я верю - вы не убивали Христа. Но как вы его мучали!.."

Mikhail-u
01-30-2008, 09:36 PM
http://forum.russianamerica.com/f/attachment.php?attachmentid=16036&stc=1&d=1201750545

Mikhail-u
01-30-2008, 09:44 PM
Обращается в американскую авиакомпанию группа из 50 евреев - лететь на
Святую Землю. Ну, все нормально,оформляют - летят. Стюард думает: 50
евреев - это ж если каждый даст хоть по доллару на чай - пятьдесят долларов
будет. А если по 10 долларов (вроде богатые же)..." Ну, весь полет старался
как мог - водички, пледиком укрыть, и т. д. Кончился полет, стюард стоит у
выхода: благодарим, что воспользовались услугами нашей компании, ожидаем
вас в следующий раз.
Подходит один:
"Благодарим Вас, молодой человек, полет надолго запомнился нам..."
Подходит второй: "Ваша мать воспитала достойного сына - она может гордиться
Вами..."
И так 49 проходят, последним идет седой благообразный ребе:
"Молодой человек, нам было крайне приятно пообщаться с вами, Ваша мать
должна быть довольна таким сыном... Да, кстати, мы посовещались и решили
вручить вам чек на 5000 долларов."
И закричал стюард вслед уходящим евреям:
"Евреи! Я верю - вы не убивали Христа. Но как вы его мучали!.."

А меня совсем не мучили - денег не давали. :) Но "спасибо" все говорили (т.к. я старался все положенные правилами, но игноруемые проводниками, удобства пассажирам предоставлять). И ещё "хорошую жену" желали - тоже не материализовалось ...

Mikhail-u
02-14-2008, 11:34 PM
Customer Relations

Tony owns a local car repair garage. One day, Martin, one of his customers, arrives to pick up his car. Tony goes over to him, shakes his hand and says, "I'd just like to say thanks for your patronage. I wish I had 10 customers like you." "Wow! It's nice to hear you say that," says Martin, "but why are you thanking me? You know I always argue with your prices and I always complain about the work you do on my car." "I know," says Harry, "but I'd still like 10 customers like you - the trouble is I have at least 50 like you."

Mikhail-u
03-08-2008, 09:44 PM
Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and an Israeli sergeant were all captured by
terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would
grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowlful of
hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and
returned with the chili.
Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my
tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the
end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric
dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is
your final wish?"
"Kick me in the bum," said the soldier."
"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the bum," insisted the
Israeli.
So the leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the bum.
The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol
from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the
resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine
and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead
or fleeing for their lives.
As the soldier was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, "Why
didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
kick you in the bum first?"
"What?" replied the Israeli, "And have you two bums report that I
was the aggressor.

* * *

Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. A neighbor, a very friendly and generous black woman, stopped by one Saturday and offered, "Mrs Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter. Can I get you anything?" Mrs. Cohen thanked her and counter-offered, "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket, and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's paid for. Why should you pay extra?"

The neighbor thanked her and with the ticket in hand, made her way to the train station. When the train arrived, she boarded, and as the conductor walked through, he happened to glance at the ticket, noticing the name "Sadie Cohen.".

The conductor asked, "Excuse me, madam, are you Sadie Cohen , the person whose name appears on this ticket?"

The woman smiled sweetly and nodded her head in the affirmative.

More than a little suspicious, the conductor asked, "Would you let me compare signatures? Would you mind signing your name?"
The black lady turned indignantly to the conductor and snapped, "Man, are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?"

Mikhail-u
03-09-2008, 09:17 PM
КРАСНАЯ КИПОЧКА



Возле леса, возле речки

жил один еврей в местечке

со своей супругой Ривой,

жил, как Бог ему судил,

и у этой пары дома

подрастал сыночек Сёма,

он всегда, зимой и летом,

в красной кипочке ходил.


В красной кипочке шелковой,

сам начитанный, толковый,

материнскою любовью

и вниманием согрет.


Ой, дэр татэ мыди бэйнэр,

ой, а ингэлэ а шэйнэр,

то-есть, форменный красавец,

хоть пиши с него портрет.


А за лесом, на опушке,

в однобедрумной избушке,

у глухого буерака,

где растёт чертополох,

проживала Баба Роза

жертва остеохондроза,

по анкете, между прочим

Роза Львовна Шляпентох.


Ой, у бабушки-старушки

ни укропа, ни петрушки,

никаких деликатесов,

только хлебушка кусок.

Были гуси, были шкварки,

а теперь одни припарки,

всё, как в песне: здравствуй, поле,

я твой тонкий колосок!


Но зато у Мамы Ривы

куры, гуси, вишни, сливы,

гоголь-моголь для сыночка

он на всё горазд и спор:

в красной кипочке гуляет

и на скрипочке играет,

и не просто "Чижик-пыжик"

гамму ля-бемоль-мажор!


И когда утихла гамма,

говорит сыночку мама:

"Надо бабушку уважить,

как ведётся на Руси.

Положи смычок на полку

и бери, сынок, кошёлку

и кошерные продукты

Бабе Розе отнеси".


А в кошёлку Мама Рива

уложила всё красиво:

фаршированную рыбу

с хреном в баночке от шпрот,

яйца свежие в мешочке

и гусиный жир в горшочке,

деруны на постном масле

и, конечно же, компот.


Вот идёт по лесу Сёма,

и тропа ему знакома.

Помощь бабушке-старушке

вот его священный долг!

В красной кипочке из шёлка

он идёт, в руке кошёлка,

ничего не замечает,

а ему навстречу ? Волк.


Волк Иванович Свиридов

из матёрых инвалидов,

пострадал уже однажды,

обмануть его хитро:

он был ранен в ягодицу,

потому что съел девицу

в красной шапочке из сказки

Шарля, кажется, Перро.


Волк сперва стоит на стрёме,

а потом подходит к Сёме,

говорит: "Шолом Алейхем!

Что за шухер? Тихо, ша!

Ты куда идёшь, пархатый,

и чего несёшь из хаты?"

И ему на это Сёма

отвечает, не спеша:


"Мне смешны твои угрозы!

Я несу для Бабы Розы

фаршированную рыбу

с хреном в баночке от шпрот,

яйца свежие в мешочке

и гусиный жир в горшочке,

деруны на постном масле

и, конечно же, компот".


В предвкушенье пищи сладкой

облизнулся Волк украдкой,

говорит он: "Бабе Розе

эти яства не нужны.

Я всю жизнь по лесу рыщу,

обожаю вашу пищу

фаршированную рыбу

и особо деруны.


А компот, в конечном счёте

посильней, чем "Фауст" Гёте,

так что нечего мне баки

забивать своей мурой".

"Ни за что я злому Волку

не отдам свою кошёлку!"

отвечает Волку Сёма

в красной кипочке герой.


"Ты, приятель, из аидов,

ну, а я из инвалидов,

мне положена диета

на гусином на жиру!

Что ж ты, красная ермолка,

обижаешь злого Волка?

Я сейчас пойду и с ходу

твою бабушку сожру.


Не пойми меня превратно

понесёшь тогда обратно

фаршированную рыбу

с хреном в баночке от шпрот,

яйца свежие в мешочке

и гусиный жир в горшочке,

деруны на постном масле

и, конечно же, компот".


"Ты мне бабушку не трогай

покараю мерой строгой!"

красной кипочкой качая,

Сёма Волку говорит.

"Что ж я, вместо Бабы Розы

должен есть кору с берёзы?"

очень нагло отвечает

этот злобный инвалид


и помчался на опушку

кушать бабушку-старушку,

по анкете, между прочим,

Розу Львовну Шляпентох.

Волк он тоже знанье копит,

у него громадный опыт

поедания старушек

всех народов и эпох!


В это время Роза Львовна

(так зовут её условно)

на трёхногом табурете

восседает у окна.

В однобедрумной избушке

нет ни крошки, ни горбушки,

оттого-то Баба Роза,

как собака, голодна.


Принести ей должен внучек

много разных вкусных штучек

фаршированную рыбу

с хреном в баночке от шпрот,

яйца свежие в мешочке

и гусиный жир в горшочке,

деруны на постном масле

и, конечно же, компот.


А пока что Баба Роза

в состоянии психоза:

голод, знаете, не тётка,

всё померкло, мир умолк,

головная боль, икота?

Вдруг стучится в двери кто-то.

"Кто там?" спрашивает Роза,

а в ответ ей: "Это Волк!"


"Удивительное дело ?

я б сейчас и Волка съела!"

так подумала старушка,

открывает Волку дверь

он сидит в смиренной позе,

говорит он Бабе Розе:

"Ты меня бы в дом пустила.

Не пугайся чай, не зверь".


А в мозгу у злого Волка

бьётся мысль такого толка:

"Мол, сожру её, старушку,

буду к мольбам глух и нем,

сам оденусь Бабой Розой,

и с такой метаморфозой

стану ждать внучонка Сёму,

и его я тоже съем.


Съем и красную ермолку,

и с продуктами кошёлку

фаршированную рыбу

с хреном в баночке от шпрот,

яйца свежие в мешочке

и гусиный жир в горшочке,

деруны на постном масле

и, конечно же, компот".


"Ходят, бабка, злые слухи,

что помрём мы с голодухи,

Волк своею гнусной мордой

Бабе Розе тычет в бок.

Ты была бы человеком

поскребла бы по сусекам,

может быть, чего нашла бы,

испекли бы колобок".


Но старушка Роза Львовна

смотрит прямо, дышит ровно.

Ой, сегодня будет кто-то

Бабе Розе на обед!

Вот она подходит к Волку

и берёт его за холку,

а потом как рот разинет

ам! И всё, и Волка нет!..


Волк как пища безыскусный,

некошерный и невкусный,

если нет альтернативы

утоляет аппетит,

возникает сытость, дрёма

Зохен вэй, а где же Сёма

Сёма всё ещё по лесу

в красной кипочке бежит.


Он бежит, роняя слёзы,

и несёт для Бабы Розы

фаршированную рыбу

с хреном в баночке от шпрот,

яйца свежие в мешочке

и гусиный жир в горшочке,

деруны на постном масле

и, конечно же, компот.


Cёма ёжится с опаской

он знаком с народной сказкой,

где несложная интрига

разрешается в конце:

вот приходит он в избушку,

Волк уже сожрал старушку

и лежит под од еялом

в бабы-розином чепце,


и пойдут, пойдут вопросы,

как назойливые осы

почему глаза большие?

почему большой живот?

почему большие уши?..

Ой, спасите наши души!

Сколько можно этой сказкой

без конца дурить народ?


Но глядит жива старушка!

Где моя большая кружка?

В нашей сказке, кроме Волка,

всем героям повезло!

Здесь пора остановиться.

Будем петь и веселиться

алэ соным афцалухес,

то-есть всем врагам назло!


Прекратим глотать лекарства,

будем есть сплошные яства

фаршированную рыбу

с хреном в баночке от шпрот,

яйца свежие в мешочке

и гусиный жир в горшочке,

деруны на постном масле

и, конечно же, компот.

Krakadil
05-15-2008, 06:20 PM
Папа, - спросила маленькая Сарочка, - а может ли Господь разрешить мне послать валентинку человеку,который принадлежит другой религии?

- Думаю, да, - ответил папочка, средних лет еврей по имени Лейзер. - А кому бы ты хотела послать валентинку?

- Усаме бин Ладену.

- Бин Ладену ?!?!?! - спросил шокированный Лейзер. - Но почему?

- Ну, - сказала Сарочка, - представь: Бин Ладен получает валентинку с признанием в любви от маленькой еврейской девочки. Он начнет думать, что не все в мире такие плохие, и станет любить мир немного больше. А потом, когда он получит еще несколько валентинок, он поймет, что мир в самом деле прекрасен, и он наконец прекратит скрываться, и публично признает свои ошибки.

- Сарочка, - сказал глубоко расстроганный Лейзер, - это самое прекрасное, что я когда-либо слышал...

- Я знаю, папочка, - ответила Сарочка. - И когда он перестанет прятаться по разным пещерам,

наш Mоссад наконец пристрелит его на х @ й .